Monday, August 28, 2017

Mom Awakening

Lately I feel like I've come out of a mom fog and I wonder if this is common when your kid turns two. I feel like most people I know have another baby at this point, or are about to, and maybe they struggle longer with finding or retaining their identity. We are "one and done" and this month has been a big month of personal growth for me, which seems to hinge on the fact that Lilly is old enough to ask for what she wants or needs. Hugs, milk, snack, Sophia the First. Her needs are simple.

Since she has turned two I've been trying to maintain more of a schedule as we explore the idea of homeschooling. I'm not trying to be Rick Moranis in Parenthood, but I've been keeping a journal of what we are doing with our time, just to see if I, personally, can maintain this kind of discipline. The side benefit to this is that I'm much more aware of how I'm spending ALL my time, and have been working to find a balance when the scales are tilted. Being self employed requires an enormous amount of discipline as it is, but when your hustles are GemstraDisney vacation planning, and social media in general, it is super easy to slide into unproductive internet time.

So now I have this semi-independent child and I've just been feeling like I need SOMETHING. Maybe it is reading Harry Potter again and maybe it was the eclipse, but I started thinking about how I used to always meditate with the runes on Monday mornings, and I haven't had time for THAT in two years. It's an awkward thing to attempt when your "me time" tends to be from 11 to midnight, to be shuffling a bag of rocks when your spouse is trying to fall asleep. The set of runes I have from college feels like it's from a different lifetime, so I keep procrastinating while shopping for a new set.
This weekend Francis gave me the gift of an entire day to work in a silent house, and I found my old rune set and old journal, and did a reading that was very familiar to this impatient and ambitious old Slytherin. For me, the runes are a mediation tool that enables a conversation with myself, but it's always kind of uncanny to draw the same ones over and over, year after year. "Settle down, Beavis," is my most common theme. I get anxious, I get impatient, and I need to remind myself not to be the farmer who tugged on his new shoots to "help". The very next day I saw a new situation emerge as a result of taking a step back to evaluate my goals.

I think my Mom Awakening might need a night in a hotel to catch up on all the things that have been dogging my progress in the past six months or so. I need to start with a clean slate and remember my why: that everything I do is for more TIME. More time with my family, more time for myself, more time sharing happiness. I really feel like sharing joy is living my best life, and I can be more focused in my intentions if I just have one 24 hour period to clean out the digital and mental clutter.

No comments:

Post a Comment