Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Counting Blessings

One of my favorite things about being self employed is that not being able to fall asleep is actually kind of pleasant. No longer do I have to lay awake wondering if I made a mistake on a job. Is that carpet going to ship on time? Is someone going to chew me out today for something I have no control over? You would think I would still find things to worry about, but no. This morning I fed the baby at 4 am and had a hard time falling asleep again, but I was happy as a clam under my down duvet in my drafty old house, thinking about how fortunate I am.

One of the things you hear over and over when you have a baby is "enjoy every minute. It goes by too fast." I was thinking this morning that I'm so grateful to be self employed, and to enjoy my work, because it really does allow me to treasure every day. We only plan to have one child, so I take a moment every day to remind myself that there is never going to be another day like today. I think that if I still had a stressful job, if I still had to be at an office at 8am Or Else, I wouldn't have this appreciation of the small things like early morning snuggles, the way she sticks her butt out and grabs my neck like a baby monkey when we go down the stairs, and her bright eyes intently studying my face.

I was telling Francis the other day that I nearly always cry when I hear Mumford and Sons song The Wolf, even though it has been on the radio every two hours for six months now. It's always this part:

Leave behind your wanton ways
I want to learn to love in kind
Because you were all I ever longed for

Hold my gaze love, you know I want to let it go
We will stare down at the wonder of it all

And I-I will hold you in it and I-I will hold you in it

I don't like to get into the meaning of lyrics, but I think that I get so emotional when I hear this song because my brain deeply associates it now with all the emotions leading up to Lilly's birth, and then the other side of it, actually being a parent and having this baby that I stare at in wonder every day. The bridge of the song is a crescendo that feels like Marcus's heart is exploding, and that really resonates with me right now.

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